The 2018 Edinburgh Fringe Festival may be over for another year. But fear not, for those still looking for laughs, we’ve put together the ultimate list of Fringe jokes and one-liners from recent years.
“Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.” Adam Rowe (2018)
“I had a job drilling holes for water – it was well boring.” Leo Kearse (2018)
“I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don’t pay it back, I’m going to get repossessed.” Olaf Falafel (2018)
“In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me.” Daniel Audritt (2018)
“What do colour-blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?” Flo and Joan (2018)
I’ve got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it’s not easy. They keep moving the goalposts. Darren Walsh (2018)
“One in four frogs is a leap frog.” Chris Turner (2016)
“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s**t.” Stephen K. Amos (2014)
“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.” Alfie Moore (2013)
“My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.” Rhys James (2016)
“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue, completely pale, no arms.” Phil Wang (2015)
“My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.” Mary Bourke (2012)
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine (2011)
“I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. Its called the Daily Mail.” Hayley Ellis (2016)
“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.” Yianni (2015)
“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” Matt Kirshen (2011)
“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” Tom Ward (2015)
“I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car. No, I’m kidding… I don’t have a licence.” Felicity Ward (2012)
“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” Hayley Ellis (2012)
“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes (2016)
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” Will Marsh (2012)
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” Sara Pascoe (2014)
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett (2012)
“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” Alex Horne (2014)
“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” Joe Lycett (2014)
“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.” Jordan Brookes (2016)
“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe (2014)
“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” Mark Watson (2014)
“I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.” Eric Lampaert (2016)
“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.” Nish Kumar (2014)
“How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.” Steve Bugeja (2016)
“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina (2014)
“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.” Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014)
“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.” Nick Hall (2015)
“I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.” Tom Toal (2015)
“I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.” Jonny Lennard (2014)
“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” Joe Bor (2014)
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” Alun Cochrane (2015)
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” Gary Delaney (2010)
“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor (2014)
“My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally.” Njambi McGrath (2016)
“The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?” Stephen Brown (2008)
“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.” Joel Dommett (2014)
“I can’t exercise for long periods. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.” Pete Otway (2016)
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis (2012)
“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” Iain Stirling (2014)
“Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up!” Jim Sealey (2014)
“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” Paul McCaffrey (2014)
(Article source: The Scotsman)
